Fear Factor

WARNING: Those who are made uncomfortable by dark spaces, spinning, or loud sounds should not read this blog. For your safety, you should be in good health and free from high blood pressure, heart, back or neck problems, motion sickness, or other conditions that could be aggravated by this blog. Expectant mothers should not read. For your comfort, air sickness bags are available.

As I write this, my girls are over 900 miles away from me. I can feel the anxiety building as I watch these words appear across my computer screen. Due to the Hestergirls' prior calendar engagements with other family members, it worked out best to leave the girls in Orlando to fly back to Michigan with my Dad and Linda tomorrow. This did not seem like such a bad idea when I suggested it months ago. After all, they are in perfectly good hands. The only trouble is, they aren't my hands.

I know this is a growing moment for me as a parent. I have got to stretch myself...allow my girls to create some memories outside of me. But this is more difficult for me than I thought it would be. I can't change it...I can't back out now. I have surrendered my control temporarily, and I have to be fine with it....because the older they get, the more opportunities there will be for them to fly away from the nest.

I just started a book entitled "Running Scared- Fear, Worry, and the God of Rest" by Edward T. Welch. I don't like this book at all. This is one of those books that gives insight into "why you are the way you are." The information is helpful, but it is not easy to hear. In reading this, I am recognizing that I am an incredibly fearful person. There is very little I don't fear. In fact, I am tempted to list some of my fears to you, but I am afraid to do so. I am only at the point right now of admitting them to myself. There are several things happening this summer which are forcing me to face my fears head on. God has placed me in these situations simply for the fact that I must trust Him in order to survive them both mentally and spiritually.

This "no turning back" mentality reminds me of the "Mission Space" ride I went on yesterday at Epcot. I was scared out of my mind....I could feel a potential panic attack coming on, due to all the warnings Disney repeated over and over again ( 7 different times) before the ride began. Just listening to the recorded mantra is enough to induce near hysteria. (See disclaimer above for verbage) There are two versions of this ride....the green (tame) or orange (crazy). Out of "peer pressure" (aka Gregg Hesterman), I hesitantly chose the orange version, because "everybody else was doing it." I still struggle with trying to be "cool mom" and I didn't want to disappoint my girls by opting out. As the ride took off, I prayed. I prayed some more. If I wasn't so strapped in, I might have gotten on my knees and prayed. The "G's" we were pulling were too much for me, in addition to hearing Disney's ominous warnings still playing in my head. I kept asking myself, "How long can this ride really be?" Certainly I could endure it for the 3 minutes most of these thrill rides tend to be. Breaking my concentration and my time with the Lord were a bunch of "woooooo-hoooooos" coming from my husband right next to me. This was his element. "I had to pull G's in pilot training," he announces to me....as if this information would be helpful for me to know at this particular time. How about quoting Psalm 23 over me instead, Sweetheart???

We survived the ride.....and I will survive this ride of allowing my girls out of my sight for a little while. But in the wee small hours of the morning when my mind is dwelling on the "what ifs", I just might need a barf bag for my comfort and the comfort of those around me.