The Family Secret

Easy-Off Oven Cleaner came over for a visit on Thursday, just as my Mom and G'pa Dan were heading this way from Michigan. So did Lime Away Shower Cleaner... along with a few squirts of Tilex in those really unmentionable places. Coincidental??? Hardly!!! You see, the big dogs of scrubbing, scouring, AND purification reemerge when my mom comes for a stay. They probably haven't been out since the last time she was here. With rubber gloves strapped securely to my hands, I go to work on the enormous task of trying to live up to the standards of the generations of women before me.... my mom and my grandma, that is. Their houses are always "showroom ready" and they always have been. I cannot accurately put into words just how hygienically pleasing their homes are. With each wave of the cleanser soaked sponge I ask myself, "How do they do it????" More importantly, "Why hasn't the family secret of having a completely immaculate house not been passed down to me??"

I call my sister when I need a break from the cleaning fumes and am having trouble breathing. She sympathizes greatly with my plight. She too has been left out of the secret. It remains solely and squarely with my mom and my grandma. I am wondering if that is where it will forever stay. My sister calls me as well, when she is in the midst of preparing her house for my mom's visit. In jest, we offer to come help each other groom our abodes for "white glove status," knowing full well we can't. We live 5 hours away from one another on a good day. We are the only ones who truly understand the devastation of being left out of the secret.

Now, why wouldn't you want to share the "coveted" formula of immaculacy with your progeny?? Wouldn't that secret be important to pass on to the generations of women behind you???? I know it is "privileged information," but I am blood for crying out loud!!!! Doesn't that count for something???

I have asked my mom point blank about the secret. She only smiles back at me and coyly responds, "I don't know what you are talking about." I even kicked things up a bit in my accusations this time. I wanted her to know I was "on to her." I told her that I knew about the "Cleaning Elves." She laughed suspiciously, "Elves??? What elves? I have no idea what you are talking about." I rebutted, "You have to have cleaning elves, Mom!!! How in the world do you do it otherwise??? Grandma has them too! Why can't Ang and I use them??? Please! Have mercy on us! We are moms with kids still at home for crying out loud. Why do you still need them?" Closing the door on the possibility of revelation, she simply utters, "I don't know what you are talking about. There are no elves." And there the secret stays.

So, under the cabinet in the Hesterkitchen sit Easy-off and Lime Away nestled close beside their friends, the Rubber Gloves. They laugh in hysteria as they know the secret too. They enjoy their siesta and will sleep soundly until the next time Mom and G'pa Dan head south from Michigan. In the meantime, I will check on craigslist and ebay to see if any one is trying to get rid of their cleaning elves, when I wish I could just inherit my own.