Birth Order Blues

I became fascinated with "Birth Order" when my dad got me a book on the subject for Christmas many years ago. Since then, I have speculated and hypothesized the birth orders of people around me, in hopes of figuring them out. I have placed stereotypical "cookie cutters" upon them based on the order of their births. Sometimes they fit, and in rare cases they don't. I am sure this habit of mine has become annoying to some. I apologize for that. It's just that I have always had this problem with the question of "why"...."Why are things this way," and "Why does this person behave that way?" Birth order tends to appease my inquisitive cravings. And it has helped me understand myself a lot better along the way.

So, if I have ever talked on this subject with you before, you can just imagine how much I have babbled to Gregg about it over the years. Poor guy. I was so excited last week when I learned that Focus on the Family was doing a radio special with "Mr. Birth Order" himself, Dr. Kevin Leman. I just couldn't wait to share it with Gregg. I thought it would be helpful information in how to better parent our first and second borns. I always appreciate when we both have the same parenting information in our brains. Makes things a lot more consistent, I find. So, I downloaded the podcast, and asked Gregg to listen to it when he had the chance. (Whenever that would be!)

Gregg has always taken pride in his birth order. He is the middle child, between two girls and the only son. They are all four years apart. Gregg finds his birth order to be the most pleasing of all birth orders. From having to listen to me over the years, he knows that his middle born tendencies make him a prime candidate for being easy to get along with...a compromiser...a pleasing personality. First borns, in his opinion, and according to Dr. Leman as well, tend to be bossy....have to have their own way...want to steer the ship themselves...think there is only one way of doing things, and its their way. He has enjoyed his more than fair share of jabs over the years at first borns and their seemingly strong personalities. He feels he is an expert on the subject because he is married to one.

So, to my surprise this afternoon, Gregg took the ipod out to listen to a few podcasts while mowing the lawn. Now, we have a pretty big yard. So there is PLENTY of time to listen, digest, and reflect upon certain meaningful podcasts. As I was wiping the counter in the kitchen, he came in from mowing the lawn, and simply said very sincerely, "I'm sorry." I turned around and looked at him. I pondered what he could possibly be saying sorry for. I thought of all the subjects that were covered on the podcasts this week. Could it have been something on the marriage podcast? Sure...there is ALWAYS something you can apologize for in marriage. But then there was that one on cancer? Yikes! Was there something he had been meaning to tell me but couldn't? Or was it the one on using your God-given gift set? No...I think he is does well with that. Hmmmm....I was stumped.

He proceeded to say, "I'm sorry for being first born." I looked at him quizzically. I have known him for almost 25 years, and the last time I checked, he had not been promoted to first born status. He explained that by having listened to Dr. Leman's podcast, he realized that he himself had some of those horrible first born tendencies and was "dreadfully ashamed." My heart went out to him.....kind of, sort of. The funny thing about it was I felt pretty certain he had some first born tendencies...but I didn't dare tell him about it. He enjoyed making fun of us too much.

His apology intrigued me. But we didn't have time to dig into it deeper, because the girls needed to be picked up from school. The first born in me selfishly didn't want to pick up the girls, so I suggested that Gregg do it. After all, I have to do it all the time. The least he could do was pick them up just this one time for me. But I couldn't let him go by himself. I was too interested in hearing the explanation behind his second born apology. So, I sacrificially offered to go with him. I could ride right beside him, pressing and probing for more details to the reasons behind the "I'm sorry." Please join me in the conversation already in progress in our 2001 "Too many miles already" Red Caravan.

Amy: Why did you apologize in the kitchen?

Gregg: Well, I realized in listening to that Leman guy that I have been acting first born like sometimes....especially when it comes to demanding perfection out of our girls. I don't like it. It scares me.

Amy: Well, honey, I hate to admit this to you, but I think you are right. I see it now, more than I ever have.

Gregg: I know...I see it too. I don't know why that is. Do you?

Amy: I am really not sure. I just know it is there. What do you think?

Gregg: Honestly, in all seriousness, I think it is because of you. You are rubbing off on me. It is my constant exposure to your first born-ness.

Amy: What??? You can't be serious! You think I am the reason for your first born characteristics? Come on!!!

Gregg: Well, how would you explain it otherwise?

Amy: I would explain it like this. You are the only male son in your family. According to Dr. Leman, you will have first born tendencies for that very fact. Besides, I will have you know that I think my "first born-ness" has subsided over the years.

Gregg: I would agree with that. Why do you think that is?

Amy: I am learning how to become more and more submissive, that's why. I am mastering this whole Proverbs 31 thing.

The funny thing about the Hestercouple is it seems we can move in and out of a subject very quickly. Just as the conversation REALLY started to get good, we began driving through a school zone and had to drop to 20 mph. That started us complaining like two octogenarians on how ridiculous speed zones can be when the school is sitting a mile from the road. So, our in depth dissection of birth order was now over...at least for the time being.

In all seriousness, I think what we mutually learned from the Leman podcast still stands. We need to be careful in demanding too much perfection out of our girls...especially in the line of school work...and possibly concerning Tuesday's excavation of Hopie's room.

So...do you think your birth order effects how you relate to people? Does it play a role in your marriage dynamics? Do you think it penetrates how you parent?