A Well-spring of tears in the Desert of Ziph

There are many times I have been brought to tears. Movies, commercials, serious situations, watching people walk through painful times, experiencing my own seasons of heartache. It is in my very nature to be weepy. And it is not always dispiriting things that bring out the urge in me. Times of rejoicing, celebrating victories, appreciation for people and God's provision can produce the same reaction within me. I am a complex being, created in the image of God. But as much as tears are a common part of who I am, I don't think I have ever been brought to tears by the Word of God. Is that a mark against my value of the Word, and how I am allowing it to penetrate my life?? I don't know. I just know that as I spent time in His Word the other day, I was startled by the reaction I had. Absorbed in what I was reading, I was startled by the feeling of unexpected tears on my face. For just a moment, I realized that God was sharing something with me that my heart needed to hear, and I was so moved by how it suddenly soothed my soul. Here is the scripture I was studying that day:


13 So David and his men, about six hundred in number, left Keilah and kept moving from place to place. When Saul was told that David had escaped from Keilah, he did not go there.
14 David stayed in the desert strongholds and in the hills of the Desert of Ziph. Day after day Saul searched for him, but God did not give David into his hands.

15 While David was at Horesh in the Desert of Ziph, he learned that Saul had come out to take his life. 16 And Saul's son Jonathan went to David at Horesh and helped him find strength in God. 17 "Don't be afraid," he said. "My father Saul will not lay a hand on you. You will be king over Israel, and I will be second to you. Even my father Saul knows this." 18 The two of them made a covenant before the LORD. Then Jonathan went home, but David remained at Horesh.

1 Samuel 23:13-15


The words "helped him find strength in God" moved me so. As I felt the tears roll down my face, I heard the faintest sound of them hitting the collar of my shirt. The Word of God was producing emotion out of me. All this running David had to do from town to town, just to stay one step ahead of Saul. All the fear, all the unknown, all the visions of what it would be like if Saul actually got to him. The fatigue, the expelling of energy necessary to hold on to faith, the heartfelt cries of frustration to God, more fatigue. And then Jonathan shows up to "help him find strength in God." Not to remind him that he needed more faith, not that he needed to be more spiritual, not that he needed to seek God more, not that he was doing this thing wrong and that thing wrong. He came there to HELP!!!!!! Let me repeat. He came there to HELP!!!!!! Oh, to have someone walk along side you at just the right moment when all seems lost and remind you to "not be afraid." To speak truth over your life. To understand the situation for what it is, and to be aware that more strength would be needed at this time. How available Jonathan was!! How perceptive!! How selfless!!! It blows me away. I am near tears again!!!!

So with anything I read that floats amidst the neurons of my brain and hangs out in my heart for a while, I had to share this with Gregg. This was just too moving to keep to myself. Too challenging to leave alone. In the midst of having your life pursued with the strong possibility of death, Jonathan knew and understood how taxing...how draining this continued running from evil had to be on David. He was perceptive enough to feel it too. Gregg and I discussed what it means to be a Jonathan for someone. We also asked ourselves two questions:

1) How are we "Jonathan-like" in other's lives? Do we stand along side someone and help them find strength in God when the situation they are in has potentially drained them spiritually, emotionally, and physically? Are we listening to God's heart promptings, leading us to those that need it?

2) Are we open to being ministered to ourselves in a "Jonathan-like" way? Do we let people know when we are need someone to help us find strength in God when our tap is running low?

I wonder if you are aware of current "Jonathans" in your life right now? Who is walking along side of you, just simply to help you find strength in God when you need it most?

From the Mixed-up Chronicles of "BAD MOM"

It is only Monday morning, the beginning of a new week, and I have already securely pinned on the self imposed title of "Bad Mom" today. How I disdain bearing the title this early in the week!!!! I can handle it on a Wednesday if I have to....don't bat an eye if I slip it on Friday, but to don the title at this fresh point in the calendar rotation, I feel like I am dubiously sporting a Scarlet "B". In simple terms, I hate when I let my girls down. I get frustrated when I can't blame my failures on anybody but me. And that is where I am at this morning. The burden falls squarely here. This is where the proverbial buck stops.

I was supposed to get Faith up early to study for an English test. She was working on Pre-Algebra last night with Gregg and when it was my turn to take over, Faith was too spent and went to bed. I was secretly relieved. I am much better in the morning anyway. We could work on it then. This is the point in the story when "BAD MOM" makes her less than royal appearance. Instead of getting her up early, I spent time cuddling with Hopie...and praying with God. I know it sounds all sweet and spiritual...but I should have gotten my lazy cheeks off the couch. When I finally did get her up to study, we had about 30 minutes to pack it all in. She was stressed and I let her down. In the spare minutes we had, I tried to stuff "Schoolhouse Rock" into her brain, by having her sit and watch "Lolly, Lolly, Lolly get your adverbs here" over and over again on DVD. It was clear to me in just my few minutes of assessment, that adverbs were going to give her a run for her money on this test. She could have gotten so mad at me....but she didn't. I just knew I had disappointed her greatly, and therefore disappointed myself.

So here I sit at my computer wishing so desperately that I could ask for her forgiveness once again. Gregg will be disappointed with me too. That is a conversation I will have to save for later. We are a team...the Hesterfamily. And this player didn't carry her weight this morning. I didn't contribute to a win. I missed the goal...made a basket for the wrong team (actually did this once)...committed a penalty that set my team back. Hopefully, there will be someone standing on the sidelines with a blanket of grace to wrap around me and a mercy-filled bottle of Gatorade in hand. That is what I feel like I need the most right now. Hopefully, I have extended enough grace to my baby over the years that she knows how to give it right back to "Bad Mom." Our team could just volley that ball back and forth to one another. Guaranteed it will be needed for another day...another player.

"Things" that are "overdue"

No one likes the word "overdue"....overdue bills, overdue books, overdue pregnancies, overdue notices, overdue recognition, overdue parking tickets, etc. But yesterday, while playing the game "Things" with some friends, I realized that I must have been long overdue in the laugh department, because I was laughing myself silly. It was so obvious. You know what I am talking about. It is that deeply buried, almost embarrassing laugh that comes from the recesses of your stomach and simply cannot be contained. It's the kind of laugh where you could fall out of your seat, roll around on the floor holding your aching side in a fit of hysteria, and still have it in you for more. Thankfully, I was with friends. They pardon this kind of behavior out of you...among other things. I don't need to throw in a disclaimer of why I so needed to laugh like this. They don't need a long explanation of why I was obviously "overdue" in the laugh department. They just accept it for what it is....carelessly unabashed fits of cackling...and they still love me afterwards.

Are you "overdue" in the laughter department??? Do you need to snort (someone did yesterday, and it wasn't me!!) , howl, or shriek with utter abandonment???? Then, I would suggest running to Target (who needs an excuse for that?), grab the game Things, and invite some friends over. Give them the gift of mirth and merriment. They probably need it too.

GO BUCKS!!!!!!

***With apologies to all my family members in Michigan. I still love you. It's nothing personal. :)

Little Birdy....

A Classic Thanksgiving "dish" for this special holiday. It is a must have for everyone's table. :)

Out into the cool of the morning strolls The Pretender

Last Sunday, we were driving to church when the first snow flakes began to reintroduce themselves to the skies of Ohio. There is something innocent and pure about the first snowfall. In November, people don't react as harshly to snow as they do in March or April. Everyone seems to give it a hospitable "hello" and a resounding "welcome back".... at least for the time being.

While looking out the window at the falling snow, Faith commented that we probably wouldn't have school the next day. Gregg and I looked at each other with extreme pessimism and collectively exchanged, "Oh yes you will. You already had two days off this year because of the wind storm. There's no way they are going to give you the day off tomorrow just because a few flakes are falling from the sky." As if our reply was much more than she bargained for, she hastily replied, "What's wrong with you guys? Can't you ever pretend anymore?" We looked at each other with a "Let me...oh please let me" expression on our faces, knowing how desperately each of us wanted to answer the question. But Gregg's words got out of the gate more rapidly than mine could. "No, Faith, we can't pretend anymore. We don't know how. We live in too much reality right now." I knew what he was referring to and I knew it would be years before she would ever understand how much an adult sometimes longs to return to the land of make believe and pretending. The boat left the pier long ago and has no instrumentation to return. That is just the way life is.

Faith's question echoed in my mind for a few days afterward. "Can't you ever pretend anymore??" I don't know. I guess I can't. I have forgotten how. What used to be so second nature when I was a kid has been replaced by the weight of reality. It's hard to believe I was ever proficient at pretending. There is very little trace of it now.

It's funny that Faith was the one to call us on the carpet about pretending. Unfortunately for her (and maybe for all of us too), her days of pretending are downright over. Being a newly christened teenager, with each day that passes, reality inches its way closer and closer to her. Hopie still has a few years left. But pretty soon the Hesterhouse will be filled with reality instead of sprinklings of pretenders here and there. I don't like the thought of that. In all "reality," I don't like that reality.

I think the next time it starts snowing, and the girls are hopeful of a potential snow day, I should jump aboard their "pretending bandwagon." How much harm does it really cause to be more optimistic? I think that is something I need to work on. Optimism is not the opposite of reality. It is just a better, healthier way of looking at things. It's the truth. I'm not pretending.

The Spice of Life

Trying to find a specific spice at the grocery store can seem like searching for a needle in a haystack at times. The search goes way beyond "parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme." You can stand before the spices for minutes upon minutes and still not find exactly what is on your grocery list. There has to be a better way of organizing them. That is exactly what I was thinking when I saw Steve staring blankly before the spices as well.

Grocery stores and deep conversations with customers seem to go hand and hand for me at times. I never know with whom or how I am going to strike up a conversation while I am there. When I saw Steve, a man in his 50's, gazing at the spices, I figured he was probably struggling to find something his wife had sent him in for. I asked him what he was looking for and mentioned how difficult it is to locate just the right spice these days. While searching for Celery Seed, he told me he was making stuffing this year for Thanksgiving, and how important this seasoning was for his recipe. I shared with him what a horrible cook I am, and how I have never made dressing in my life....that is outside of Stove Top, but I wasn't sure that really counted. He smiled and said how much he enjoyed cooking. Even did most of the cooking while his wife was still alive. Oh no...here I am talking about trivial things like spice placement, and he is preparing to celebrate Thanksgiving without his wife. He didn't seem to be that offended by my presence...wasn't giving me any cues to "get lost," so I decided to spend more time with him:

Me: How long has she been gone?

Steve: Since July 2007

Me: Was it cancer?

Steve: Yes, it was.

Me: I hate cancer. I am tired of it.

Steve: Do you work in the medical field?

Me: No, I don't. But I feel like it is all around me right now. I sub at my girls' school, and our art teacher has breast cancer. She is a friend of mine. Hard to see her go through it. She has been an incredible inspiration. It just makes me long for heaven, where all sickness will seize. You know what I mean?

Steve: I guess. I don't know. Do you really think so?

Me: Absolutely. I am looking forward to it.

Steve: She fought a good fight. A two year battle really.

Me: How long were you married? Do you have kids?

Steve: No. We were married for 7 years. (Tears begin forming in his eyes.)

Me: 7 wonderful years. I am so glad you had that together.

Steve: Hospice was incredible. They gave us the opportunity to just focus on the last days together, without worrying about everything else. I wish we had called them sooner, but my wife didn't want us to. I think she felt like that would be acknowledging that this was the end. But they did everything from walk the dog to getting her meds..and everything in between.


We talked for a little while longer. He handed me his card and told me about his business in Groveport. I apologized to him about the noise he must hear from my husband's plane everyday. He said he didn't mind, and how much he enjoyed watching them fly over. He thanked me for stopping to help him with the spices (help with which he didn't really need) and I wished God's blessings upon him. And then our conversation was over.

Of course, I spent the rest of my weaving in and out of aisles in a daze. I just couldn't get Steve's story out of my mind. I didn't anticipate this conversation as I was grabbing my cart and heading into the store earlier. I just never know what God is going to do while I am searching for Kraft Macaroni and Cheese or maybe Kellogg's Cocoa Krispies. I just know that when He does place a person in my life, I am incredibly honored and humbled.

Did I say anything that would lead Steve to know Christ personally? No. Unfortunately, I am not very good at that. Maybe I am just simply a seed planter...which doesn't allow me the privilege of celebrating someone who now knows Christ as their personal Savior. That's ok. I know God in all His wisdom knows exactly what is needed, when it is needed. I don't have to worry about those things. But I do need to pray for the person whom God has given me the opportunity to connect with, and be grateful for the time I had with him/her. And honestly, from my heart, I am so glad I got to spend some time with Steve among the spices...to have him share with me how much he loved his wife. Maybe that was something God knew Steve needed to do that day....talk about his wife.

It's possible there really isn't anything wrong with Meijer's spice organization. I mean, if it wasn't so awful, I wouldn't have stopped to talk with Steve. But I can tell you I will never walk by those spices again and not think of him and pray he will find God's comfort amongst his grieving. I know God's heart...and I know He wants desperately to give him that. I hope he finds Him.

Blessings to you, Steve and Happy Thanksgiving!!!!